Lost and Found in Germany: June 2021 Life Update

“I’m a total mess compared to you.”

“I’m lost, Emily. I’m so lost.”

“You’re one of the people in my life who has their shit figured out the most.”

The above phrases are all things that were said to me over the past two weeks by men and women who, in my opinion, tick all the boxes of having their shit together. Solid jobs. Solid income. Solid living situation. In my opinion, these are the types of people who are the opposite of lost. 

At least that’s what I thought until this Thursday night.

To set the scene, it was the ideal night for deep thoughts. The sun was setting in the pink sky and I was meandering along the streets of my favorite Hamburg neighborhood by bike, gazing at houses that look like cutouts from a French postcard. As I cruised home from a post-work picnic overlooking Hamburg’s stunning harbor, I had a major realization. 

I am completely and utterly happy.

A position that not many people will ever experience in their lives. I have had the luxurious pleasure of navigating my life solely based on my own happiness; a thing nobody is told to do because it’s difficult, unstable, and, oftentimes, incredibly messy.

You’re not “supposed” to change careers after a couple of years, opting to start at rock bottom in a field you never studied. (Not to mention, a career that is nothing along the lines of what your crippling student debt went to fund…)

You’re not “supposed” to move away from the United States and the idea of the “American Dream” for the bureaucracy and terrifyingly rational idea of socialism in Europe.

And you’re definitely not “supposed” to be 29 and single, with no intention of “settling down” in the near future. 

Oh, and while we’re at it, you’re certainly not “supposed” to move out of New York, the greatest city in the world, as a musical theater performer. Who on earth would do that?

The past few years of my life have been filled with all of the things you’re not “supposed” to do. Not that anyone looks down on these decisions. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. But I can guarantee you that not many people would encourage you to make these choices, and no school guidance counselor is recommending moving abroad without speaking a language or being fully employed to many kids in their discussions about the future. Why not?

Because it’s difficult.

It’s much easier to stick with one career, rise up the ranks, and enjoy the security that comes with steady, full-time employment in a field where you feel comfortable. It’s far more comfortable to live in a country where you, wait for it, understand things! And family holidays are way more conventional when you bring home a practical boyfriend, who turns into a husband, who then becomes a dad. 

Honestly, for a while I thought I wanted these things because I saw so many other people moving through the levels of life like a video game, ticking off these boxes, and seeming happy. And what I now find so enlightening, is that many of these people, with perfect scores in the video game, are the ones who’ve told me they're lost. 

Up until a few months ago, I thought I was the lost one. My finances were nowhere near where I wanted them to be, I had just ended a relationship with a wonderful guy who I imagined parenting two kids with, and I was constantly fielding questions of when I would return to the stage and use my talent to create the performances I trained for years to bring to life. 

But now I see the beauty in that mess. The deflated balance in my bank account was a reflection of the adventures I’d pursued all over the world, eventually finding the place I feel most at home. It may have taken a while but I have “my place” now. (And as I saw in a brilliant quote on Instagram the other day, “There is nothing more luxurious than being an adult woman living alone.” Add on the condition of a dreamy European city, and it’s basically orgasmic.)

My relationship status is definitely something that still makes me insecure (probably why I’m writing about it all the time…) but the greatest gift I think I’ve ever given myself is advocating for what I deserve. And yeah, that might mean I’m incredibly picky and send a lot of sarcastic responses to men who are getting away with unacceptable behavior, but I’ll take being single and confident any day over being comfortable and complacent (something I’ve had a nasty habit of doing in the past). 

And let’s not forget about my decision to stop a life of sound checks, dance rehearsals, and performances for thousands of people, opting instead to… sit behind a computer and spend a lot of time on social media? Something I haven’t talked about too often on the blog, is that I didn’t like my lifestyle as a performer. I missed far too many family functions, felt terrifyingly out of control of my own life, and developed an unhealthy obsession with my weight and looks. (Also something I’m still working on.)

Unsettled. Unstable. And (briefly) unemployed. That was where I was not too long ago.

On purpose.

But that mess. That sticky, uncomfortable, goopy mess of emotions and self-awareness led to now. The Emily Claire Hughes who, according to friends, really has her shit together. 

I’m trying to figure out the best way to sum this up but I think the only thing I can say with confidence is that everyone should get lost. Question the things in life that aren’t serving you. Make changes instead of unconscious choices of compromise. And please, dear God, I wish more people would stop doing the things they feel they’re “supposed” to do. 

Because as soon as you’re lost, you get to decide where you want your next steps to be. And that is the beauty and the power of the life I’ve now created for myself. 

And I feel more found than ever before.