The 5 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date
Oh heyyyy, awkward Emily!
What comes to mind when you hear the word awkward? Personally, I think of those moments when two people go to grab the check and a weird dance of politeness ensues. Or when you’re at a party (remember those?) and there’s that one person who’s way more drunk than everyone else, jamming out a bit too intensely to the song, while their drink splashes on to innocent guests. Or when you’re on a first date with Emily Claire Hughes and happen to ask one of 5 questions that are an invitation for awkwardness.
That’s right, folks. Honestly, awkward is not a word I would typically use to describe myself. Don’t get me wrong, I can be super dorky, but in my opinion, awkwardness normally comes with a shyness or insecurity; two words that are incredibly foreign to my outgoing, bubbly self. I credit my time onstage and the curse of being a middle child for making me confident and bold with most of my choices in life. But you know I’m all about confronting change, and it seems there’s one change that’s been getting the best of me lately and testing the strength of that confidence.
And that change is being single.
Before we get to the good stuff, I’d like to interrupt this post to disclaim that I do in fact do more than sit around and think about my dating life. I’m quite content being single at the moment. In fact, I think I’m in the best position to be single that a person could possibly be. I have an apartment in Germany that I absolutely adore, a bustling social life in Hamburg, a job that I literally cannot wait to start every day, and my life, in general, is on an upward trajectory that makes me beam with pride. There’s no hole in my life that I’m looking to fill with random men.
So I’m good.
(Which is exactly why I deleted all dating apps from my phone a few weeks ago.) But you know something funny? Any post I write about my love life, dating, etc gets about 300% more traffic and engagement than my other content, so here we are.
Plus, it’s fun to share :)
Ok, disclaimer over. Now let’s get to the good stuff.
The 5 questions that turn me into an awkward blob on first dates. In other words, the 5 questions that should be banned from all first dates, EVER, in my opinion:
1. “What are you looking for?”
… the door? (Kidding. I’ve only had to bail on two dates ever in my life.)
As soon as the words land in the room, my sip of wine is immediately prolonged by about 30 seconds while I figure out how to answer. Why does everyone ask what your end game is on the first date? I mean, I get it. Eventually, you need to know if the person you’re budgeting time for is recruiting talent for their next threesome (not far off from something that happened to me recently) or looking for something slightly more serious and on track for a committed relationship. But I find this question so annoying because I think it totally depends on the person asking it. I could say I’m not looking for a relationship and I just want to meet new people and exchange stories (basically true) but then what happens when I wind up in a room filled with chemistry and electricity, swept off my feet by the man providing the wine and cheese board?
I probably want more than stories.
In short, I have not figured out how to answer this question. If you have any hot tips on how to constantly change your mind and sound sure of it in a succinct answer, I’m all ears.
2. “What kind of music do you like?”
Oh, y’all. As a girl who grew up dissecting classical music every week for my music program in high school and drove around the backroads of Middletown, Maryland listening to the newest orchestrations from movie soundtracks with my violinist friend, Quinn, this question is a DOOZY.
What kind of music do I like? How long do you have?
Do not add wine.
Because, of course, I can whip out a somewhat normal answer, highlighting the likes of Leon Bridges, JP Cooper, Ben Platt, and Cam (she’s just a dream. “Diane” is one of my favorite songs to run to and the modern-day equivalent of “Jolene,” if you ask me). But if you give me approximately two glasses of wine, I will bypass the normal answer and would love nothing more than to inform you that “How to Train Your Dragon” has an impressive score and then share that listening to Cynthia Erivo sing “I’m Here” in a packed Broadway house, with my last-minute standing room ticket for The Color Purple, was one of the most inspiring performances I’ve ever witnessed. Oh, and my small-town heart also has a massive soft spot for country music (my secret’s out).
So in essence, I could talk about the origins of music forever (ever heard a Gregorian chant?) and get into a passionate conversation about the musicals that have contributed to society and pop culture over the past 100 years. But quite often, that conversation is one-sided or struck with a German guy who has no idea what I’m talking about so…
What kind of music do I like? Leon Bridges, JP Cooper, Ben Platt, and Cam.
(Please don’t give me wine.)
3. “You’re not a vegan, are you?”
To be fair, if someone ever drops this bomb of a judgmental question in a room, I’m probably asking for the door and getting weirdly defensive about a category of people to which I don’t belong.
I’m not vegan.
But I haven’t eaten meat for 7+ years. And I hate hate hate when this becomes a thing. Stick me at any restaurant and I am fine. I can order something, no problem. Want to do a burger night? Cool! My Impossible Burger can share the same pan as your beef thing and I will have no qualms. I can look at a piece of prosciutto and think it looks delicious (because I used to love prosciutto!). But I don’t want to eat it now. Maybe someday that will change. But in the same way that I don’t rock up to men and say, “you’re not one of those MEAT EATERS are you?!” I think it’d be great if we could eliminate the weirdly judgy questions about people who are trying to put and end to the factory farming industry.
Note: Playing my own devil’s advocate here, I did have a rather productive conversation about meat-eating on a date with a hobby hunter (you can imagine how this one ended), who wanted to point out that he grew up only eating local meat and was taught to consciously consume it. It was an engaging discussion that would not have happened without his judgy question.
4. “What’s your Instagram?”
Oof, this one makes me really awkward really quickly. Because in about two seconds of looking at my Instagram, you’ll see that 1. I have a blog and 2. I share just about everything.
What will I blog about? This date, probably.
(In a roundabout way, with no direct references to specific people because I do try and be a respectful human. But there’s a solid chance this encounter will be noted and written about.)
I love having a blog and I love sharing these weekly stories, starting conversations about confronting change, and connecting with people who have questions about moving to Portugal or Germany. I’ve met so many people through a combination of my blog and Instagram, not to mention my days as a travel blogger, that I’ve lost count of my “internet connections turned real-life friends.” But I write, post, and share things for the 25 - 40-year-old women who make up 90% of my audience (and if I haven’t said it enough lately, thank you for being here.). Men are not my target audience. I know that. So when I give out my Instagram handle and check the stats on my latest story posting and see a small cropping of out-of-audience fellas, I feel super confused. Being single is new territory for me and I want to share the highs and lows of this independent phase of my life with the people who are kind enough to click that link in my bio every Sunday. So I’ll keep writing for the 90%. But I still have no idea how to put the awkward feelings that I get, knowing that someone I made a casual dinner with can click a link and read all about my wounded heart, just like the other 90%, in a box on the shelf.
As a result- I’m sparingly giving out my Instagram name.
So much for that growth mentality…
Sorry, what?
5. “So how’s your [Insert dating app] experience been?”
Well, it can’t have been a smashing success if I’m here. And do you actually want to know the answer to this?
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why 99.9% of men ask this. I feel lucky that I seem to be a pretty good judge of character (thus far) so I have actually met some really lovely people. Should I go through the list and tell you their pros and cons? I can’t imagine anything less attractive on a date.
I mean, luckily I have enough weird stories that I thiiiiink I can artfully dodge this question. There’s the guy who asked me to marry him and then subsequently stalked me on Instagram (perhaps @emilyinhamburg is too easy to figure out), and the gem who 1000% lied about his height (you don’t have to be a giant but you certainly can’t be a liar, in my book) and then told me the story of how he was banned from all dating apps except Hinge, for “accidentally” harassing a woman.
A few weeks ago, I resigned from my swiping duties so I will cross my fingers that I never have to answer this question again. Because I just… have no idea how.
Now that I’ve written out the five questions above, my head is swimming with a few other noteworthy options (like when anybody says, “oh good, so we can speak in German?” and while yes, I can and should, I instead opt to freeze like an Ice Age woolly mammoth fossil). But for the most part, the five questions above have me getting rull awkward rull quick. And for a confident, decently-secure person like myself, this late-twenties dating venture has been more of a learning experience than I ever imagined. But as a person who thrives on routine, like my Saturday morning runs and Friday night dinner parties, at least there are a few more consistencies in my life these days.
Still single.
Still thriving.
And still trying to figure out how to answer these stupid questions without turning into an awkward, insensitive blob.